


The End of Me

by rizlowwritessortof



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 18:51:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9198437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rizlowwritessortof/pseuds/rizlowwritessortof
Summary: Dean drabble - set in 5x18 Point of No Return. This is my fifth installment for @mrs-squirrel-chester ‘s Album Fanfic Writing Challenge. My album is Smokin’ Hearts and Broken Guns - Shaman’s Harvest. This one was inspired by The End of Me from that album. This scene, this episode, tears me apart.





	

_Where do they go,_   
_those who love me well_   
_I guess they jumped off this train_   
_When we got to the gates of hell_

_I know I deserve to suffer,_   
_I’ve earned to be alone._   
_Like a thief who sells a lover_   
_for a handful of shiny stones._   
_So I wrote you a letter_   
_you won’t find until I’m gone._   
_For a song given to the devil_   
_he’s come to take me home._   
_With a 4-10 to my lips…_

__

I know Sam doesn’t get it. Hell, I’m not sure I get it.

I feel like shit. I’m supposed to be his big brother, I’m supposed to save him. I’m supposed to be there for him, help him out, stand up for him.

I just… fuck, it hurts to say, but… I don’t think he’s strong enough.

I know, I know. Some brother I am. Why don’t I believe in him? Why can’t I trust him, why don’t I think he can stand up to Lucifer? Why am I such a dick?

Trust me, you can’t think any worse of me than I already do.

It’s not his fault. It’s not. He’s had two strikes against him from the beginning. They’ve played him all along, starting from Jessica and all the way down the line. He’s been manipulated, and used, and infected with their poison. How the fuck is anyone supposed to deal with all that?

And I know Sammy doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know that I _know_ , I _really fucking know_ what it’s like to give in to the darkness, to become one of the things we hunt every day. And I started off without all the cards stacked against me. How can I expect him to stand up to it? I couldn’t! I fought it for as long as I could, but I wasn’t man enough.

Am I selling him short? No. That’s not what this is about. I just know what the odds are. I’ve been playin’ ‘em my whole life. This is not a situation we can come out on top of, there’s no winner here. There’s only the lesser of the two evils. It fucking sucks, but that’s the reality.

So, yeah. Call it quitting, call it being a coward, call it suicide by angel, but whatever you want to call it… I’m just doing what I have to do. If we can’t save the whole world, we’ll save what we can. If Sam’s gonna be a vessel for Lucifer, and someone’s gotta fight him – it’s gonna be me. He’s my responsibility.

Yeah, this sucks. But I’ve earned it. In spades. I know they won’t understand, can’t understand. I wrote a letter, but by the time they read it, it’ll be too late. Maybe, at least, Bobby will… oh, hell, who am I kidding? Maybe, at least, he’ll be able to forgive me someday.

“Sending someone a candygram?”

Well, fuck.

“How did you find me?”

 


End file.
